You are the world
One drop of water
Just from your very one eye,
Will bring
Rain, pouring from the sky!
From your lips
Just one smile,
Will bring
Laughter, echoing for a mile!
Hawker: Ice cream! Ice cream!
Little girl: You are right!
Surprised hawker: What do you mean, I am right?
Little girl: You scream!
“Keep the change,” said the generous customer, “if there is any.”
Govind: You are showing your true colours now!
Samy: Yes, you are right. But I thought you said you are colour blind!
A man: Haven’t I seen your face somewhere?
The other man: No, you couldn’t have. I take it with me always.
Govind: How many seas are in an ocean?
Samy: Sixty?
Govind: No, there is only one ‘c’ in an ocean!
Girl: My boss turns into a doctor whenever I ask for a raise.
Her friend: How come?
Girl: He asks me to be patient.
The fat rat ate the cat and the mat!
Ron: Where in hell is Bob, Sam?
Sam: He should be there, somewhere. He died last week.
Village doctor: Did that medicine I gave do any good to your wife?
Man: Yes, doc. It made her go to the hospital, next day!
Judge: Why did you point a knife at that man?
Thief: Because I did not have a gun.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor beggar
His eyes are closing…closing…closed!
He is asleep now, fast asleep.
Him – no one can goad;
For he is in a world, too deep.
He lies on a carpet, dirty and small
It serves him now, as a bed
His chest does not rise, or fall;
For he is dead!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Office boy: There is a man with a moustache outside, sir.
Manager: Tell him I have one already.
Office boy: There is a man outside, sir?
Manager: Does he have a beard?
Office boy: No, sir, only a suitcase.
A man (proudly): My son builds airplanes during free time.
Another man: That’s nothing. My son builds castles in the air.
Manager to job applicant: Can you type well?
Applicant: Yes, sir. I can type other words, too!
Stranger: Can you tell me where is the street to Mr. Sam’s house?
Man: Well, this is Mr. Sam’s house and that’s the street you want.
An alarm clock is there to alarm you that you didn’t wake up, when it rang.
English grammar lesson: Although he is tall he is short.
Two small boys were proudly comparing their mothers,
“You know,” said one, “my mum uses red house-paint on her lips!”
“That’s nothing, “ replied the other one, “my mum puts gun-powder on her face!”
Car salesman: Hello, sir! How is the car I sold to you last week?
Man: Oh, it’s still alive and…kicking!
“Hello,” said one, “ is it the police? I want to report a theft. A girl has stolen my heart!”
About honesty
You buy, say,about seventy sen’s worth of goods, give the shopkeeper a one ringgit note and start walking away, in the pretense that you have forgotten about the change of thirty sen. The shopkeeper, unhesitatingly calls after you and returns you the change. You, of course, accept it with a sheepish grin and a big, “Thank you”.
On another day, you shop another seventy sen’s worth of goods. This time you give the shopkeeper a ten ringgit note and walk away without the change. Only this time the shopkeeper doesn’t call after you. He, in fact, waits anxiously for you to disappear from sight. Where has the honesty gone? Well, thirty sen is one thing, but an easy nine ringgit and thirty sen is another thing altogether! Such is the honesty of the world.
Then, there is the case of a boy who wrote to world leaders to stop all wars and treaties at all cost because the history books were getting thicker!
The case of many young man today:
Before marriage, “My life is empty without you.”
After marriage, “ My life is empty with you.”
There is uncertainty of God rewarding those who do good. But there is one thing you can never doubt. Those who sin are punished, surely.
“ My heart belongs to no one but you,” said the girl to her fiancé.
“Oh great!” said her fiancé, a heart transplant surgeon.
When in Rome do as Romans do – some updates!
When in Rome do as Rome ants do.
When in Rome do romance.
When in home do as Romans do.
When in Rome, roam.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Dar..li.ng, “ muttered the old man on his deathbed, “ I am… go.ing..to…tell you…a… sec.r.et.. I have…kept..for..all…this..si.x.ty…two..years!”
“What is it dear?” asked his wife, eagerly.
“I…I… h..ave…f.a.l.s.e….t..e..e..t..h!” said the man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mirror
The mirror
Doesn’t just show your face.
It shows your moods, too;
When you are angry,
or sad’
wary,
or glad
Your face betrays them all to
The mirror.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Optician: Ma’am, how many birds can you see over there?
The lady: Well, let me see now, ..one..er..two…er..three…four! Am I right?
Optician: No, ma’am.You are wrong. There aren’t any.
You can kill more than two birds with one stone, too, if you choose a bigger stone and there are more birds in the bush. It is the same with life: you will receive more success with greater effort.
Optician: Sir, can you see the poster on that wall?
Man with poor eyesight: Wall? What wall?
“My son,” boasted the father, “is in the cabinet!”
“My son should know,” said his companion, “he makes them.”
“You know something,” said the man, “ my son has a key job overseas.”
“Really?” inquired his new friend, impressed, “What does he do?”
“He makes keys.”
Have you heard about a judge who charged a man of robbery, for robbing a woman of her honour?
Epitaph on the grave of an extremely lazy person:
“HERE FINALLY LIES WILSON”
Friends are like birds. They fly away in times of trouble.
Announcement on a radio:
Here are the outcome of soccer matches played between various teams.
Oldcastle versus Spoke City – one killed, two injured.
Kidneypool versus East Ham – three injured, one in coma.
Chelland versus Moonderland – two injured.
Boychester United versus Portsnose – one injured.
Whiteburn Rovers versus Tottenlamb Coolspur – two in coma
“I used to worry a lot about my falling hair. Now I don’t!”
“Really? Give me your secret!”
“No secret. No hair left.”
Benson was a great one for lying. He lied to everyone everywhere. He, now, lies in his grave.
Talking about movies, there are three types; movies that make you sit right back in your seat, movies that make you sit on the edge of your seat, and movies that will make you vacate your seat.
Man on seeing the beggar to whom he had given a ringgit earlier, coming out from a bar:
I thought I told you not to drink whisky with the money I gave you!
The beggar: No, sir. It was brandy!”
Once the mouth said to the ear, ”You know what,” it boasted, “I am the most active organ on the head. I talk, yell, cry, laugh, whisper, whistle, jeer, sing, drawl, whoop, yelp, scream……..”
“Yeah, yeah,” cut in the ear, “but without me they are of no use.”
Peele: You know something, this is an unlively place.
Bob: You can say that again.
Peele: You know something, this is an unlively place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of happiness
One who pretends to be happy can never be as happy as the one who pretends to be sad.
Happiness comes naturally to the poor. To the rich, it is forced every hour.
The happiness of the poor is real, natural and lasting for the while it lasts. That, of the men of riches, is merely temporary and of pretense.
The happiness of the wealthy comes from the feeling of pride; pride of possession of properties, of status. Hence, to them pride is happiness. To the man in want, happiness is happiness.
One drop of water
Just from your very one eye,
Will bring
Rain, pouring from the sky!
From your lips
Just one smile,
Will bring
Laughter, echoing for a mile!
Hawker: Ice cream! Ice cream!
Little girl: You are right!
Surprised hawker: What do you mean, I am right?
Little girl: You scream!
“Keep the change,” said the generous customer, “if there is any.”
Govind: You are showing your true colours now!
Samy: Yes, you are right. But I thought you said you are colour blind!
A man: Haven’t I seen your face somewhere?
The other man: No, you couldn’t have. I take it with me always.
Govind: How many seas are in an ocean?
Samy: Sixty?
Govind: No, there is only one ‘c’ in an ocean!
Girl: My boss turns into a doctor whenever I ask for a raise.
Her friend: How come?
Girl: He asks me to be patient.
The fat rat ate the cat and the mat!
Ron: Where in hell is Bob, Sam?
Sam: He should be there, somewhere. He died last week.
Village doctor: Did that medicine I gave do any good to your wife?
Man: Yes, doc. It made her go to the hospital, next day!
Judge: Why did you point a knife at that man?
Thief: Because I did not have a gun.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor beggar
His eyes are closing…closing…closed!
He is asleep now, fast asleep.
Him – no one can goad;
For he is in a world, too deep.
He lies on a carpet, dirty and small
It serves him now, as a bed
His chest does not rise, or fall;
For he is dead!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Office boy: There is a man with a moustache outside, sir.
Manager: Tell him I have one already.
Office boy: There is a man outside, sir?
Manager: Does he have a beard?
Office boy: No, sir, only a suitcase.
A man (proudly): My son builds airplanes during free time.
Another man: That’s nothing. My son builds castles in the air.
Manager to job applicant: Can you type well?
Applicant: Yes, sir. I can type other words, too!
Stranger: Can you tell me where is the street to Mr. Sam’s house?
Man: Well, this is Mr. Sam’s house and that’s the street you want.
An alarm clock is there to alarm you that you didn’t wake up, when it rang.
English grammar lesson: Although he is tall he is short.
Two small boys were proudly comparing their mothers,
“You know,” said one, “my mum uses red house-paint on her lips!”
“That’s nothing, “ replied the other one, “my mum puts gun-powder on her face!”
Car salesman: Hello, sir! How is the car I sold to you last week?
Man: Oh, it’s still alive and…kicking!
“Hello,” said one, “ is it the police? I want to report a theft. A girl has stolen my heart!”
About honesty
You buy, say,about seventy sen’s worth of goods, give the shopkeeper a one ringgit note and start walking away, in the pretense that you have forgotten about the change of thirty sen. The shopkeeper, unhesitatingly calls after you and returns you the change. You, of course, accept it with a sheepish grin and a big, “Thank you”.
On another day, you shop another seventy sen’s worth of goods. This time you give the shopkeeper a ten ringgit note and walk away without the change. Only this time the shopkeeper doesn’t call after you. He, in fact, waits anxiously for you to disappear from sight. Where has the honesty gone? Well, thirty sen is one thing, but an easy nine ringgit and thirty sen is another thing altogether! Such is the honesty of the world.
Then, there is the case of a boy who wrote to world leaders to stop all wars and treaties at all cost because the history books were getting thicker!
The case of many young man today:
Before marriage, “My life is empty without you.”
After marriage, “ My life is empty with you.”
There is uncertainty of God rewarding those who do good. But there is one thing you can never doubt. Those who sin are punished, surely.
“ My heart belongs to no one but you,” said the girl to her fiancé.
“Oh great!” said her fiancé, a heart transplant surgeon.
When in Rome do as Romans do – some updates!
When in Rome do as Rome ants do.
When in Rome do romance.
When in home do as Romans do.
When in Rome, roam.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Dar..li.ng, “ muttered the old man on his deathbed, “ I am… go.ing..to…tell you…a… sec.r.et.. I have…kept..for..all…this..si.x.ty…two..years!”
“What is it dear?” asked his wife, eagerly.
“I…I… h..ave…f.a.l.s.e….t..e..e..t..h!” said the man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mirror
The mirror
Doesn’t just show your face.
It shows your moods, too;
When you are angry,
or sad’
wary,
or glad
Your face betrays them all to
The mirror.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Optician: Ma’am, how many birds can you see over there?
The lady: Well, let me see now, ..one..er..two…er..three…four! Am I right?
Optician: No, ma’am.You are wrong. There aren’t any.
You can kill more than two birds with one stone, too, if you choose a bigger stone and there are more birds in the bush. It is the same with life: you will receive more success with greater effort.
Optician: Sir, can you see the poster on that wall?
Man with poor eyesight: Wall? What wall?
“My son,” boasted the father, “is in the cabinet!”
“My son should know,” said his companion, “he makes them.”
“You know something,” said the man, “ my son has a key job overseas.”
“Really?” inquired his new friend, impressed, “What does he do?”
“He makes keys.”
Have you heard about a judge who charged a man of robbery, for robbing a woman of her honour?
Epitaph on the grave of an extremely lazy person:
“HERE FINALLY LIES WILSON”
Friends are like birds. They fly away in times of trouble.
Announcement on a radio:
Here are the outcome of soccer matches played between various teams.
Oldcastle versus Spoke City – one killed, two injured.
Kidneypool versus East Ham – three injured, one in coma.
Chelland versus Moonderland – two injured.
Boychester United versus Portsnose – one injured.
Whiteburn Rovers versus Tottenlamb Coolspur – two in coma
“I used to worry a lot about my falling hair. Now I don’t!”
“Really? Give me your secret!”
“No secret. No hair left.”
Benson was a great one for lying. He lied to everyone everywhere. He, now, lies in his grave.
Talking about movies, there are three types; movies that make you sit right back in your seat, movies that make you sit on the edge of your seat, and movies that will make you vacate your seat.
Man on seeing the beggar to whom he had given a ringgit earlier, coming out from a bar:
I thought I told you not to drink whisky with the money I gave you!
The beggar: No, sir. It was brandy!”
Once the mouth said to the ear, ”You know what,” it boasted, “I am the most active organ on the head. I talk, yell, cry, laugh, whisper, whistle, jeer, sing, drawl, whoop, yelp, scream……..”
“Yeah, yeah,” cut in the ear, “but without me they are of no use.”
Peele: You know something, this is an unlively place.
Bob: You can say that again.
Peele: You know something, this is an unlively place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of happiness
One who pretends to be happy can never be as happy as the one who pretends to be sad.
Happiness comes naturally to the poor. To the rich, it is forced every hour.
The happiness of the poor is real, natural and lasting for the while it lasts. That, of the men of riches, is merely temporary and of pretense.
The happiness of the wealthy comes from the feeling of pride; pride of possession of properties, of status. Hence, to them pride is happiness. To the man in want, happiness is happiness.
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